Tag Archives: fairness

Guest Blog Post – Angela Marois

It has finally happened in my home. I’ll have to admit, I was a little shocked to hear it. I thought my kids were still way too young for this, but the other day those words escaped out of Talina’s mouth.

“But that’s not fair!”

My first thought was where she could have heard that? Every time my kids say something new and shocking I like to assume it came from outside the household. Generally not true, but that’s another blog.

My second thought was that I should let her in on a little secret – life is not fair!

What I ended up doing instead was sitting her down and asking her what she meant by that. It occurred to me that though she knew those words, it was doubtful she knew what they meant. When I asked her, she explained that she thought it wasn’t fair that Jarel got to go help Daddy and she didn’t.

So is it true? Was that not fair?

A while back I read some comments on a blog that was focused on being fair. Most of the parents commenting mentioned that being fair meant if one kid gets something, the other(s) do as well. Or if one went somewhere and the other wanted to go, then they went too. They all leaned towards the thought that being fair meant treating each child the same way. The same gifts, the same amounts, everything the same.

I have decided to challenge that thinking in my parenting. There are certainly times when my kids get the same thing. I mean, they all get the same meal for breakfast, lunch and supper. They all get the same snack each day. Lots of times it is fair for them to get the same thing.

However, is it fair for one child to get the same gift or opportunity as another just to keep the peace? I think not! It’s not fair to teach a child that just because someone else has something they should have it too. It’s unfair to give them the idea that all through life they should have the same “things” as everyone else. I don’t want to have kids who come home from school and say “all” their friends have a certain something, so they should have one too.

If I continually treat them this way in the home though, those are the results I can expect. I find this especially dangerous in regards to the body of Christ.

Too many believers spend so much of their walk with Christ wishing they had the same gifts, anointing and abilities that other believers have. They try to be someone they’re not – someone they were not created to be – in order to feel like they have those gifts too.

I’ve been challenging my kids to not covet their sibling’s possessions or opportunities, but to be happy for them instead. I tell them often that just because someone else has something, doesn’t mean they were meant to have it too.

I know this is working too! When we sat down to supper last night, Talina looked into Jarel’s bowl and noticed that he had a baby corn that was bigger than her own. First, in a pouty, sad voice she told me that Jarel’s was bigger than hers was. Then she stopped to think (without any prompting from me) and said “I’m happy that Jarel gets to eat the biggest one!”

If Jarel gets the opportunity to do something with Daddy that Talina is not invited to, she can be sure that the reason she is staying behind is because there is something equally important at home for her to do that she is much more suited for.

I want my kids to long for the things they were meant to have in life. To cultivate their gifts and anointings rather than wasting time wishing for someone else’s. I also want them to experience joy in watching others succeed.

God has given us all amazing gifts, talents and responsibilities in life. Mine are not the same as yours – no better, no worse – just different. Just like I’m teaching my kids, we need to stop wasting time wanting what God has given to others, and thinking it’s not fair when we try doing what they’re doing and it doesn’t work for us.

Because wasting the time we have on this earth trying to be something we’re not, and not fully realizing or living out all the amazing things God has planned for us – that is what’s not fair.

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Kids Aren’t Dumb

We should never think our kids are too young to pick up on the negative things we do. Kids are smarter than we think, and they will ask us why we can do things they are told not to.

Take the other day for example…

I found Talina and Jarel on Jarel’s bunk bed yelling at each other at the top of their lungs.

I quickly scolded them for yelling at each other, but I was met by a shocking reply, “But we’re just being Mom and Dad right now… You guys yell sometimes…” I could feel the blood rushing to my face, I had been called out by a four-year old, and she was right.

My mind reeled as I tried to back pedal out of this conversation, I felt like I was backed into a corner. Where did that come from? What do I say now? Do I put up a defense? Admit she was right? Run and hide?

Fortunately, I stayed transparent and explained that Mommy and Daddy yelling wasn’t ok either. I apologized for setting that example for them, and asked for their forgiveness. Thankfully they cheerfully extended it to me.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. When you screw up as a parent, admit it instead of setting a double standard. The old saying “Do as I say, not as I do” is a gross misconduct of the responsibility we have as parents. Double standards leave kids confused, and there’s enough confusion in the world without us adding to the mix. Let’s never do it again.

Do you have any (now) humorous tales of kids calling you on your actions? I’d love to hear them.

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Fair Parenting – An Important Reminder

One thing I pray often is that I would be a fair parent.

I know that we as parents don’t always see the entire situation play out between our kids. I have often responded to one of our kids’ cry, to find one kid laying into the other with a plastic hammer or other blunt toy. It’s easy for me to assume what happened, but I am learning more and more that we need to take time as parents to properly assess or analyze the situations we walk into. More often than not we don’t see the entire scenario play out, we often arrive in Act 2 rather than at the curtain call. We need to put our own emotions on hold and ask the following questions.

What exactly happened? Was he provoked, was he defending himself, defending his brother? Did she mean to hurt him? Did he simply over-react to something? Was he scared?

It can leave our kids hurt and confused when we discipline reactively. In order to properly discipline our kids, we need to use responsive discipline to correct them in love, and we need to have the big picture in order to do this effectively. We aren’t doing them any favors by guessing at what happened.

We need to been responsive rather than reactive in our discipline. Responsive discipline means putting your own emotions and feelings on hold for a minute or two while you find out exactly what went down.

I know it isn’t always possible as we are all humans, but fairness within the family is one of those key issues to keeping peace in the home between siblings. This can avoid many headaches, arguments, and resentment in the future.

We as Christians have access to a supernatural surveillance system rivalled by no-one. We need to pray that Holy Spirit would give us supernatural insight to ask the right questions, so that we can discipline effectively.

Let’s choose to always ask Holy Spirit to give us insight into what really happened, starting right now!

**APOLOGY**

I need to apologize for not posting last week, but with all that’s going on with Brody, life has been more than crazy. Here’s a quick update on his situation in case you are interested.

Brody is still in the NICU in Lethbridge and doing very well. He made the move from the isolette (incubator) into a crib over the weekend which means he is regulating his temperature very well. He is steadily taking more feedings by bottle rather than the feeding tube which is great! Once he is consistently taking his feedings by bottle we can bring him home! We can’t wait for that day, it seems like he has been in the hospital forever (just ask Angela J.) Thanks for your continued support by way of prayers, meals, watching the kids, and all the other ways you have helped. We have been blown away by the Body of Christ in action all around us. We are loved and blessed! We give God all the praise and the glory through this difficult time, and we know the battle is His, and the victory is ours! Hallelujah!

**Don’t forget that if you like what you are reading that you can “subscribe” to my blog and get an email automatically sent to your inbox when I post something new. Also, please let me know what you think, I would love to get some feedback or potential future topics you would like me to blog about.

I leave you with a quote.

“Normal is a setting on a washing machine.” -Phil Cooke

Be Blessed!

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